-Feel me.-

This short para would be about me cos i think i need to admit it myself publicly.


I suffer from depression.


I have always admitted it to myself but never really came face-to-face to the fact. I realised this when how Jesvin's words during our 2nd year 1st sem stayed within my mind. "Ah Poon, why you never seem happy?" I realise that its true. Although i never really ever feel uber sadness but just not really happy. Its seems as though my happiness depends on the small things in life such as getting an A for my project or some recognition from what i had put effort in to do.

I admit that i enjoy looking down from tall places, seeing how to grass on the other side is greener. Death, a cowardly form of escape but with no worries. I sometimes wonder what is holding me back; is it the courage to escape, or just the consequences of my condemned would-be act.

I realise i'm sinking deeper and deeper and i don't know how long more can i hold on to myself. Which leads you to think, "just how low can i go?". Well, just 2 days ago, i just confronted it.

A nightmare canteen experience.

In just one trip of the canteen, i saw 2 of my most disliked persons in my life + one self-realisation. Firstly, i saw jason. No matter how strong our willpower is, it doesn't matter because when we come face-to-face to our fears, they seem even more empowered. Secondly, i saw Xuan Long. This name may not seem famaliar to you but let me brief you confused readers about him. He is the one who made me pay $150 when the bookie ran. Problem was we both won the same amount. The bookie ran, he was hard up, i offered to LEND. He DEMANDED debt repayment. Money > Friendships. Even after GIVING my year 1 books to him, i never expected this. Anyway, we're no longer friends and now for the last part the self-realisation. I saw a few groups of friends ( ppl whom i know of ) and started thinking.

"Do i belong to anyone of them?"

The answer was obvious and hurting.

-a thought was left behind and remembered here @'
11:01 PM